Who are the Gottmans?

Drs John and Julie Gottman are big names in the world of couples’ therapy and are also a couple themselves. Through many decades of research and collaboration, they have created an evidence-based approach to working with couples that is scientifically shown to be effective.

One component of the Gottman’s work is called the Sound Relationship House Theory. As you will notice, the Gottmans are known for their memorable terminology and metaphors, which may seem a bit silly but can also disarm the idea of therapy for many people.

The Sound Relationship House illustration provides a guide to building or re-building a strong friendship and positive sentiment override, which keeps perceptions of our partner’s actions mostly positive (Lisitsa, n.d.). Without positive sentiment override, we function in a space of negative sentiment override, where neutral or even positive messages can be perceived as negative (Lisitsa, n.d.).

The following overview will cover a few parts of the Sound Relationship House: Turning Toward, Building Love Maps, and Accepting Influence. 

These key points will give you a headstart on becoming relationship masters rather than disasters (more of the Gottman’s fun terminology).

Build Love Maps

Building Love Maps refers to knowing what is going on in your partner’s world. What is currently causing them stress? What are they excited about? What big and small goals are they working toward?

Love Maps change over time and can benefit from being updated regularly. Maintaining ongoing curiosity about your other half is one of the foundational tools the Gottmans found to be crucial in building relationships that last (Lisitsa, n.d.).

Accept Influence

One of the fundamental aspects of maintaining positivity in a relationship is letting your partner influence you (Lisitsa, n.d.). 

What does this mean?

Accepting influence can look like mutual decision-making and power-sharing (Lisitsa, n.d.). It can also look like compromise and being open to hearing your partner’s perspective (Lisitsa, n.d.). Couples who accept one another’s influence learn from one another and remain curious when it might be easier to lash out. 

Turn Towards Instead of Away

One of the most important things you can do for your relationship is recognize when your partner is making what the Gottmans call a bid for connection (Brittle, n.d.). A bid is any attempt to gain your attention, connect with you, share a moment or experience, etc. 

The Gottman’s results from studying newlyweds showed that after six years, “couples that stayed married turned towards one another 86% of the time. Couples that divorced averaged only 33% of the time” (Brittle, n.d.).

Below is a list from the Gottman Institute of common bids for connection and what they might sound like:

Tip for the relationship “masters”:

Practice turning toward your partner when they make bids for connection by acknowledging the bid. Build your emotional connection even more by responding to it enthusiastically!

Relationship masters are always on the lookout for opportunities to affirm and receive bids from their partners, which builds and maintains the fondness that is so important.

Conclusion

The goal of the Gottman Method is to increase closeness and positivity in intimate relationships, using various components such as the Sound Relationship House as a guide (Lisitsa, n.d.).

One study on the effectiveness of Gottman’s principles showed that the “Gottman’s Sound Relationship House model provides a general plan to help deepen intimacy, manage conflict, and share what is meaningful” for both members of the couple (Davoodvandi et al., 2018).

To learn more about the Gottman’s and their many tools for improving relationships, visit The Gottman Institute!

References:

• Brittle, Z. (n.d.). Turn Towards Instead of Away. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved September 29, 2023, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/
• Davoodvandi, M., Nejad, S. N., & Farzad, V. (2018). Examining the Effectiveness of Gottman Couple Therapy on Improving Marital Adjustment and Couples’ Intimacy. Iranian Journal of Psychiatry, 13(2), 135-141. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6037577/
• Lisitsa, E. (n.d.). The Sound Relationship House: The Positive Perspective. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved September 29, 2023, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-sound-relationship-house-the-positive-perspective/